— DOG GOSSIP OF RECORD —
VOL. II•COLUMBUS, OHIO•…•$4.99 [worth it]
Inside the afternoon that rocked one Columbus block — and the AmStaff who refuses to apologize.
FENCE
DOWN!
in costume. plotting.
A household authority issues a chilling verdict.
The water bowl has been deemed unsafe. Witnesses confirm she now drinks exclusively from puddles, gutters, and "whatever that is by the fence." Sources close to PFEIFFER say she will not comment until the bowl is removed entirely.
"the bowl, she says, has betrayed her." — a friend, speaking on condition of treats
suspect photographed beside evidence
Day 730 of an unwinnable standoff.
Eyewitnesses confirm she once again carried the day's correspondence to an undisclosed location and "rendered it confetti." Insiders describe the behavior as "a love language."
"the postal service is aware." — a neighbor, hedging
she just stares, friends say
Months later, she has not moved on.
Friends report she still scans the yard at all hours. "She just stares now," a source explains. "It's haunting. Have you ever seen a star this devoted to a single grievance?"
"every blade of grass is a suspect." — our yard correspondent
the embrace. she would not be moved.
The treat dealer was seen on the property again last week.
Upon recognizing the visitor, PFEIFFER reportedly insisted on pets — and could not be moved. Witnesses describe a sustained, immobile state of demand for affection. Many kisses were given. Many, many kisses.
"she would not budge. she would not stop kissing." — Pfeiffer's emotional advisor
the chosen few she permits in her orbit
MOM • BAR OWNER • PRIMARY EVENING BED
Pours drinks all day, sleeps next to a champion all night. The matriarch.
UNCLE • BUSINESS TECH GUY
Hosts her unpaid daily internship from the office sofa. She watches him work. She snores through meetings.
THE CAT • 17 • FRENEMY
A tabby of advanced years and grievances. Tolerated. Antagonized. Loves her secretly, allegedly.
FAMILY FRIEND • TREAT DEALER
Arrives bearing offerings. Documented to trigger uncontrollable spinning.
Threat Level Index — internal use only
a.k.a. "THE DEMON PANCAKE"
The only being she fears. Evacuates entire floors upon the demon pancake's activation. Has not been forgiven. Will never be forgiven.
a daily aggressor
Pushes paper through the slot. The mail does not survive. PFEIFFER considers this her unpaid second job.
at large; yard-adjacent
Subject of ongoing surveillance. Status: still alive, infuriatingly.
the paradox
Larger and louder than the demon pancake. Paradoxically engaged in combat. Researchers baffled. Funding requested.
* Simon was considered for inclusion but is technically a known associate. See: THE PACK.
In Memoriam — every month, a new shipment. Every month, the inevitable.
MR. BEARY
final known photograph
cause of death:
PFEIFFER
GRRRR THE MONKEY
final photograph, hours before
cause of death:
PFEIFFER
BANANA THE BANANA
the scene as discovered
cause of death:
PFEIFFER
THE BLUE ONE
suspect photographed at scene
cause of death:
PFEIFFER
BarkBox declined to comment.
obtained without consent. you're welcome.
the "outside" effect — authenticated, on tape, for the first time.
Recovered residential surveillance. The word "outside" is uttered. PFEIFFER initiates a documented rotation sequence. Witnesses confirm: this happens every time.